People With Big Heads Freak Me Out

I’ve often wondered why human head size isn’t more standardized. After all, we can be pretty sure that head size isn’t related to brain power, so what other reason would there be not to base natural selection on head size? Getting your head stuck in the neck of your sweater is a serious and life-threatening condition.

Smaller heads use fewer resources and are more environmentally sustainable. Big heads need big hats. How many sheep does it take to make the wool in just one big-headed hat? I can imagine that three or four sheep devote themselves full-time to the making of just one hat. This is tricky because sheep are not easy to convince to do the knitting. Also, unless naturally bald, people with big heads have more hair and therefore use more hair care products, take more time for a hair cut, and use more wattage in blow-dryer time than do people with small heads. If they shave their heads, big-headed people require more razor blades per year. Large heads weigh more and therefore will wear out a pillow much faster than a lighter, more streamlined small head. Having a big head just isn’t environmentally conscious.

We need fewer choices, not more. How many times have you been flummoxed in the cereal aisle at the grocery store? There are now at least 1,100 different types of boxed dry cereal. None of them contain actual food. It’s the same with heads. Do we really need size XXXXXL hats? For that one person whose head is the size of the Concorde?

It’s not the heads as much as it is the faces. I met a guy with an enormous head the other day. His face was like a dinner plate with eyes and I kept imagining trying to stick my cheese and crackers and barbequed chicken wings onto his face and of course they kept falling right off. Kissing such a person must be terrifying. I myself went home and had nightmares about being licked by a huge dinner plate that turned into a Saint Bernard. If it had been the type of Saint Bernard that carries the little jug of brandy under his chin it would have been all right, but this wasn’t that type of Saint Bernard.

Stoning is a viable option. Big targets are easy to hit. You want to prevent global warming, don’t you?

*No sheep or Saint Bernards were harmed in the making of this post.