Only the Lonely

I’m lonely as hell and I’m not going to take it anymore.

I realized yesterday that I’ve been traumatized by the conditions of my new home. And I kept it inside and really had no one to talk about it with. I kept telling myself I would get used to it, that I committed to living here for a year and that I needed to make good on my commitment.

Yesterday I told my landlord I intended to move at the end of the month. My friend is leaving her apartment and even though it costs more than I’m currently paying, overall it will be a much better fit for me.

When my landlord left my house I sobbed uncontrollably for about 20 minutes. A huge letting go.

Back to the loneliness.

Part of it is from the worldwide situation. We are all (most of us) in our homes, sequestered from others. San Miguel has restrictions in place. So I’ve been mostly staying in my home except for some grocery shopping and banking in my first few weeks here.

Then I got Coronavirus symptoms. Now I have to stay in. Plus, I injured my back (I suspect a vertebral compression fracture) and walking around hurts.

All of that is adding to my essential inner loneliness. You know ? existential loneliness, the sense of being a separate being inside a separate body, forever separate.

Well, fuck that. I know better. I’ve been allowing my beliefs to get away from me and run the show here. Fuck that. Fuck being lonely. Fuck thinking I have no one to talk to except the person who drove me to attempt suicide. Fuck thinking I am alone.

Time to make some changes.