Integrity

I have been unfair. Specifically, unfair in my last post. Unfair to what is really in front of me. I wrote from the place I am in — which to me in this moment seems vast and unconquerable — but not from the place I have been.

I have at my bedside a book containing now more than 200 elements of awesome, reasons for loving and living, and I forgot to look at it. Or think of it. No, in my inner emptiness I neglected to feel into the fullness of the Summer of Love, of my soulmate-beloved, and instead I saw the half-empty glass walls I had erected around me.

I lack integrity. It is a thing I am working on, coming smack up in my face time and again, but dammit, I am incomplete. I lack and the lackness is of my strength, or in plainer words, strength of character and faith is what I lack.

Integrity. Holding together. Structural goodness. Also, integration. I fly into pieces, chaotic, scattered, at the least provocation. My beloved hurts and retreats and I treat this as hurt to me, retreating farther. How dare I! Where did I go? And why?

I chose to not remember in that small moment that We are We. That such a one as my beloved, who may not in every moment see himself as the amazing warm-hearted loving man I know him to be, may not see me in the light I now see myself: lacking, cowardly, lonely, alone. How can I be alone, except as choosing to be so? Together we wear self-directed bleak-colored glasses, my beloved and I. The irony of this nearly escapes me.

And now I weep because he read the headline Lonely and read no further. How can I not write all the bright magical wonderfilled days we have shared and wait yet to share and only chronicle this one dark dreary eyeblink? I have hurt my love’s heart, I think, and I weep. I did not wait to tell the whole story, to be in integrity with the wholeness of my heart. I wrote only the piece, the little piece that in my pain seemed to be calling the loudest.

Words have power and it is my wish to use them for good, a healing balm, a beautiful story, an inspiring heartsong. In my quest for self integration, for true integrity, may I find that this is so.