I am a ghost. I am formless, void, hollow. I breathe and the breath wafts through me. I sing and hear only the wheezing of a empty dry bellows. I trace footsteps out of my bedroom, following the shapes on the golden brown wood that lead through the hall, past the tiny-white-tiled bathroom, down the steps and out the door into constant motion, cars going by at all hours, energy moving, people living and dreaming within a hair’s-breadth of me, and all I feel is slow, dull, invisible. I move, think, work, and speak in slow motion, half-time, endless loops circling around and around, tightening around me, constricting. I do…

The last several days have been sort of epic. Not necessarily good-epic. More like intense-epic. The root of change epic. Changing direction, switching lanes epic. Only … it’s not yet clear where things might go. I am drawn to nestling myself in a tree-lined hilly neighborhood of four million overlooking blue-gray waters (and on magical days, the snow-tipped Cascade range beyond), where I can push my heart outward in concentric rings to connect with other hearts and draw inward again. I am drawn to sparking my cells with the essence of carrots, celery, and apple, connecting with the Earth by drinking her lifeblood. I am drawn to jumping feet first…

I’ve been struggling with this concept for days now. Years, actually, but I truly thought I had been-there-done-that enough already to move through/past/beyond it, but no. I suck. And yet I cannot yet embrace it. Embrace the suckage. I smile slightly, inwardly, as I write that. A wry smile. Rueful. It’s irony, after all, and I dig the ironic bizarreness that life is. Except when it’s about me, of course. Me? I have to be Perfect. No suckage for me. I could say “Thanks, Dad” for that one. A big part of my imprinting is in this concept. Let me see if I can explain it to you; it’s a…

I came to Tucson, the dry desertland, just over a week ago not really knowing why I was here save for the fact that I had bought an airline ticket and there were people expecting me. Gem and Mineral Show? Well, yes, and I walked endless rows of jewelry, beads, gemstones, minerals, fossils, and tchotchke, none of which I needed, though I do now have 20 extra pounds of stone people to bring home and share. But other than that? No idea why I was here. And I resisted being here. Cactus. Bah. Mostly I felt lack. My heart has been elsewhere. My thoughts have not been on the face…

There are times when, despite sometimes thinking I know everything, I find myself floating in formless space, knowing nothing, not even the breath that fills the in-between spaces inside the yawning cavernous deep of my soul. Today — yesterday for the purists — was one of those days. Balancing normalcy with utter terror. Feeling — no, KNOWING — that despite anything to the contrary in the moment, everything would again change in a heartbeat, a breath, a day, a fluid flow into the yet-unknown we collectively label “the future.” And doing nothing more than the next thing. Is that all there is? In times past, when feeling this way, I’ve…

I frequently work with a portion of the Tarot deck to seek clarity or perspective on situations. For years I rather pointedly ignored Tarot, thinking that using it was 1) weird and woo woo (yes I see the irony in that, thanks), and 2) too complicated for my wee brain to comprehend, because after all it would require Memorization and Effort, and maybe I was feeling a wee bit sorry for myself and also lazy. But whatever. A friend turned me onto the lazy-ass method of Tarot, which involves the Major Arcana, 22 cards instead of an entire deck. Oh, and also intuition. Which I can totally get behind. So.…