Guess what it’s like, knowing that you used to be pretty capable and smart but now you struggle remembering a thing from just 5 minutes ago, and your vocabulary is down at least three notches, and many days it’s hard to even make words? Go on, guess. No wait, I’ll tell you.
And it totally sucks.
I don’t know whether my abilities will ever return. Maybe they will. I hope they will. I know now that my two brain surgeries from over three years ago aren’t responsible for these deficits. For a long time I thought, well my brain is just healing and needs time. Fuck healing. I have done the healing.
But the thing is, I make my living via words. (Not that anyone is actually hiring me these days. I seem to have dropped off the edge of the planet insofar as people wanting to hire a channel and shamanic energy healer).
In my work, I translate pure energy transmitted to me by Solara, the spirit teacher I work with, into words for people. I receive this energy as images, impressions, knowingness, and actual words, and then relay all that to my clients. Using words, either spoken or written, depending on the type of session. To do this, I need a working brain. I need a brain that makes good words.
I take upwards of 75 pills a day of various sorts. These are meant to support my health as well as deal with some health conditions brought on by Lyme disease and Lyme’s pals (bartonella, mycoplasma, and others). Some of them directly support brain health. I can only imagine what things would be like without these.
I have not yet grieved the loss of my brain. Here is a grief ritual for Brain.
Brain, what I will miss about you is:
- Knowing just the right word for any occasion
- Knowing how to spell “occasion” correctly the first time
- Being able to quickly figure things out without having to try so hard
- Thinking of myself as capable
- Having words just poetically stream from my fingers onto my keyboard
- Not fumbling every spoken sentence
Brain, what I will not miss about you is:
- Lying awake nights because you would Just. Not. Turn. Off
- That sneaking feeling of superiority combined with the dread of knowing how much I suck
- Rabbit hole hours spent with a thesaurus finding Just The Right Word
Goodbye, Brain. [Insert image of me waving to Brain]
Brain, what I am looking forward to now in my new life without you is:
- Peace of mind
- Release from the relentless quest to prove myself smart and capable
- Probably lots more mindless TV
So. Here we are. Let’s see how this goes. Grief comes in waves. I’m not done with you yet, Brain!