• Send in the Clones

    Proof Of My Powers

    An actual IM conversation with my son, 14. He had a headache and I said I could fix it for him: Karen: Go to sleeeeep, you are getting sleeeepy NW: yes Karen: look into my eyyyyyyyyes, you are very sleeeeeeeepy NW: yesssssssss i am sleeeeeeepppyyyyy Karen: you will do everything I sayyyyyyyyyyyyy Karen: you arrrrre in my powerrrrrrrrrr NW: yessss i will follllowwww commanndsss Karen: cluck like a chicken! NW: bock bock Karen, to herself: IT WORKS! THREE HOURS GO BY Karen: when you awake, you will not remember anything. You will not remember being a chicken, or robbing that bank, or running naked through the halls at school. But…

  • Rants,  Send in the Clones

    The Time I Blew My Nose And Brains Came Out

    I’ve been sick as a horse. Wait, do horses get sick? And how would you know? Whenever you ask them questions, they just say “neigh.” Ba dum bum. You can tell I am feeling better, because my really bad jokes only emerge when I’m feeling pretty good. So I went down to Portland a couple of weeks ago, the place that was built atop an ancient unicorn burial ground (I did not make this up — it’s on Facebook so it must be true — but they only bury the really really ancient ones so they leave the perky young ones to prance around and make rainbows)(unicorn euthanasia)(don’t you love…

  • Go Places,  Ho, Earthling!

    Sick No Longer Means Sick. That’s Sick.

    Seething with a virus, I stumbled on to a series of airplanes the other day that took me from northwest to southwest. I coughed and tried not to blow my nose with too much proximity to anyone else, but after a two hour drive, a parking shuttle, an amble through security (which really was an amble and was eerily quiet), and a wait at the gate my inner energy reserves had become depleted and it was Time To Die. Oh, figuratively. Whatever. So I brought my virus to my friends, who are cheerfully helping me either feed or quash the little buggers, I’m not sure which. I have been in…