It has recently been pointed out to me â€” not thrown in my face, since that would be, well, awkward, wouldn’t it? â€” that I might be a teensy bit controlling. The world “rules” was used, maybe even the phrase “lots of rules.” Repeatedly.
This may or may not be true.
But in visiting my house, there are a few things you should know.
1. Anything that touches or may possibly touch my naked or sleeping body (or the naked or sleeping body of anyone whose body may at some point touch any portion of my own), including but not limited to sheets, blankets, pillows, duvets, towels, and clothing of any kind (unless obviously dirty and therefore unwearable), may not also touch the floor without a complete tour through the entire laundry cycle.
2. Toilet seat lids shall stay down lest some wayward item befall a watery death, having instantly been rendered forever untouchable.
3. Hands that touch any part of me shall ideally have been washed within at least the past hour.
4. Cabinet doors, drawers, etc must be kept closed, not left standing open unless in active use.
5. All horizontal surfaces must be kept free from clutter, debris, and should ideally be lickable. However, lickable horizontal surfaces must immediately be cleaned after having been licked, should that occasion occur.
6. “Clutter” shall be defined as “anything not belonging directly to me”.
7. Floors shall ideally be vacuumed daily, or at least be free from discernible crunchy pieces that may be felt when stepped upon. Portions of floors left unvacuumed because they are under furniture may be left undisturbed at my discretion. Anyone other than me wielding a vacuum must of course leave no floor surface undisturbed.
8. Uncontained liquids (including but not limited to water, overexuberant cleaning splashes, and bodily fluids) in the bathroom or kitchen shall not be tolerated, especially on the floor or other horizontal surfaces.
9. The act of dusting shall not occur or be discussed except at infrequent and sporadic intervals, prompted by a suddenly obvious need to have all surfaces free from accumulated dust, in which case the dust freeing process must be completed immediately.
10. Foods descending rapidly and accidentally, if in the amount of a single bite or less, and especially if consisting of chocolate or anything crunchy and salty, to the floor and residing there less than six (6) seconds may be consumed, especially if no one else is present, at which occurrence the time constraint may be extended at my sole discretion. If this act is performed by someone other than myself, I reserve the right to prepare a facial expression that could be described as “mild sneer” and also to utter the single syllable “ew.”
See? No big deal, right?