I have been looking for a way back instead of a way forward. I look through the destinyÂ book of awesome and its secrets stay locked within, remaining tightly shut within black walls and creamy pages, mocking me. Remember this? they hiss, When things were magical and all was possibility unfolding in front of you like a golden carpet? I look at the magic and want it so much, the beautiful song. I try to grasp it tightly to hold it to me, but it slides through my fingers.
Ahead. That is where I should be looking. But how do we know anything except what is behind us? I replay the tapes in my head: a sensual kiss in the rain, a look of love, feeling enveloped and held by a warm heart, loving an amazing man. I see myself from far away, not feeling it, not remembering it fully, thinking that if only I could climb back into that moment all would be sparkly and possible again.
It is not lost on me now that I have lived most of my life in retrospect like this. Replaying, analyzing, thinking these are useful learning tools. I think most of us do this. It dawns on me now that this is not the way.
The way forward is through Now.
Today I am gathering to me. Baby steps. I thought that today I would be writing my masterpiece or at least the first pages, but it turns out I have other work to do first. Â Today I lunched with a friend. Shared with her my pain and uncertainty. Later I sing for someone in transition, fully recognizing that I choose this experience not as much for her as for me. Because it will help me, lost as I am, adrift from my moorings. I hope these things make me human, because I am weary of trying to be more than human. Tonight I rest in the arms of other women, my tribe, all singing the song I sing of love and loss and longing.
And tomorrow I will wake up. There might be sun and wind and rain. The flowers will bloom. I will breathe, and in that breath I now choose to create space for What Might Be, hoping that it can be even more magical, sparkly and awesome than the empty grasp I held tightly to. Loving and being loved. A kiss, a look, feeling held. The way flows ahead.