My beloved and I had an argument-thing today. It was brief. The gist was this:
I interrupt him. Often. Multiple times a day. And I am unaware of doing it.
This is, of course, Not Good. It is a sign that my brain is not functioning as per normal. We parsed the offending conversation, down to (what seemed like) the nanosecond. This is what happened during The Interruption:
He talked. He paused. Then my talking-machinery ground into action, causing me to talk. Meanwhile, he was still talking, but I had no idea he was still talking. Oops. Interruptus Maximus.
Evidently this kind of thing happens All The Time. I am losing touch.
Another sign I am (or have been for a while) losing touch is this:
Many days feel dreamlike. In the evenings I only dimly recall what the mornings were like. The day feels like a cloud, a haze, a soft pillowy marshmallow of time. This is not unenjoyable for me.
Not long ago, I sat in a warm bath and channeled about how I experience reality while my beloved typed my words. Naturally, he turned them into bullet points. I shall call these bullet points Exhibit A.
Exhibit A — How My World Differs From Other People’s Worlds
- My world is more malleable than other people’s worlds
- Because of my abilities to phase-shift and elongate and compress time, my reality is much more changeable and malleable. This poses challenges.
- The primary challenge is that I switch from one reality to another without realizing it. This is in part the cause of some of my recent memory issues.
- I can learn to be more conscious of my reality shifting so I can create “breadcrumb trails” to access what transpired many realities ago — so I have a trail to follow back from a given moment.
So now you know. I’m this amazing/damaged freakazoid who is in this ever-shifting time-warp where nothing really remains the same. This explains so much.
But I am alone in this weird world of mine. I wish I could celebrate it, revel in it, learn to have dominion over it, but I am stuck in the 3D drone world of Normal People Who Expect Me To Remember Things And Rightly So, Dammit.
I wish I could just read books and cook all day. Not so much the cooking thing. More the reading thing, and taking long walks in the forest (the one I used to live near; now I live near the ocean but it’s not within walking distance and it’s definitely not the same for me as the forest).
This post was going to be a lament about the abilities I am losing, but it seems to be turning into a celebration of my, uh, unique qualities. Maybe I’m not losing touch after all; maybe I am learning how to live in my malleable world and roll with the reality-shifting thing. I’ll let you know how it goes. Here is what I intend to do so far:
If my beloved tells me I said a thing, I intend to just accept it even if I know I never did. After all, in HIS reality I said the thing. And maybe that’s how I find the breadcrumb trail back to where he is.