Juxtapositioning

Inevitability

She looked across the choppy waves, feeling her mind begin to undulate slightly with the incessant in-out motion of the water. The invitation was clear: jump in. The waves sighed at her resistance. Breathing? There is no need for breathing. We are all the breath you need.

High above, a sea bird circled and cried its impatience and acceptance.

Her mind moved in rhythm with the dark churning waves. She began to feel spiny sea creatures moving slowly within her, along with smooth-sided cetaceans and the gills of millions upon millions of fish, each opening and closing like the petals of a flower. She longed to be a part of that flower, simply existing in millionfold duplicate, silvery with scales and glittering with anticipation. She felt her body lean forward with the wanting. The water, the air — they were the same. Her neck would grow gills under those dark waves. Her feet would melt to one another in tandem. Her slippery body would greet the dark depths. Her mind would expand into the nothingness of being.

Across the water, a light. A fishing boat, headed for home. A warm dinner. Dry clothes.

She sighed, aware of the parting between her thighs. No silvery scales stretched across her hips. The dark waves beckoned. She leaned still further.

Cold, cold, down, down, a weight, floating. Stillness.

The light from above dimmed, feathery, cold. The depths grew dark shapes that bumped against her sides and arms. The world expanded, supernovas became black holes, sudden brightness into peaceful dark. Swimming, reaching, breathing the life-giving dark ocean.

I have giant spiders for pets

I have lost my fear of spiders. No big deal. Just now I saw one there on the wood floor of my living room. His wingspan was at least six inches. No big deal. I just upended a glass jar over him, slid a folded utility bill under the jar (what else are those things good for, anyway?) while Mr. Spider danced over it, then took the whole thing to the front door and tossed him unceremoniously into the grass of my tiny front yard.

No big deal.

It’s a far cry from not-so-many years ago.

When I was a kid and there was a spider in my room, usually one that spanned no more than an inch from toe-tip to toe-tip, I’d have to stand in place, feet rooted to the floor and eyes glued on him lest he slip inside my pillowcase or under the bed to crawl out again onto my bare ankles late at night, and scream for someone — anyone — to help me. After an hour or two, they would and I could relax my locked knees and avert my tender eyes while the wee spider was quietly dispatched to the Great Web in the Sky.

As a parent, I became the Spider Dispatcher. It’s a title awarded by default, I think, based on tallness. People over four feet tall = capable of ridding the world from spiders.

No big deal.

Except for my weird Buddhist tendencies which demanded that I eschew squishing and instead embrace relocation. Fine. I learned the Jar Relocation Technique. I learned to avert my eyes. I learned that tall people are supposed to be strong.

No big deal.

OMG people are DYING!!

Not really.

No, that’s not true. They are. I just don’t happen to know which ones. And besides, what is it they say? In one ear and out the other? No, that’s not quite right…  One door opens and another one closes.

Yeah. That’s it.

So when you last left our hero, he was dangling precipitously over the precipice, holding on to a leafless branch. His grip was loosening. His breath was tightening.

WHAT WILL HAPPEN NEXT?

Letting go. And with the letting go, the realization that Everything Will Be Okay Somehow, and that letting go isn’t a failure of some sort, and that letting go isn’t a lack of some sort, and that letting go is the only way you can really fly.

~~

So that’s what’s going on on the inside. Outside?

• I spent close to FIVE DAYS in the weird world of Las Vegas, covering CES.
• There was some snow.
• And some more snow.
• I also flew to Pennsylvania.
• I’m still there.
• Leaving soon.
• The site I’ve been spending almost ALL my time working on and writing for will be LIVE day after next. Stay tuned.

So we’re cool. You?

You know something’s wrong when you never even check your stats anymore.

Or write a post.  Or sleep.

In addition to my regularly-scheduled activities, I’ve been writing content, editing, and designing a website. Which is technically “up” except for a major bug, so I’ll hold off on the announcement.  But I poured my heart and soul into this thing.  And Matthew spent the last two months doing all sorts of techie things in its creation, things that I don’t even know the complexity of, but doing them consumed all his time. And he is very very good at what he does, and is about 1000 times faster doing anything connected with a computer than I am (except Twitter. Twitter is totally my world, baby!), and if he spent all day for two months doing this then you know this site is the SHIT.

And it is. Except I can’t show it to you yet.

In the past 3 days we’ve been watching The Kite Runner. I’ve read the book twice and Matthew just finished it. I could not stop shaking while watching it. I am going to dream about that brown land ringed by white-capped mountains.

And I am so very tired on such a deep inner level that I am incapable of rest. I hope you never feel this way.

Resurfacing

Yes, I’ve been busy.

I’ve been doing this. And I’ve been doing this. And also I’ve been spending hours a day writing for the upcoming supersecret website I can’t tell you about yet. Except that it’s related to this one.

Also, I haven’t been at home for awhile. Matthew and I have been traveling. Yay for traveling. *Cough*. I went to a spiritual workshop thing, where I manned the recording device. Like they really needed someone to do that (push “record,” push “stop” at the appropriate times—really difficult and oh so technical), but I was grateful to be there and I am sure I got something out of it. Not sure what yet, but this is a processing month anyway.

We stayed with my brother. They live up on top of a hill (called a “mountain” in California) at the end of a steep and twisty driveway at the end of a steep and twisty road. The view was wonderful. We were all set to watch election returns, had the beer, had the pretzels, but the power went out that day because of the three inches of rain that had fallen the day before and they had to fire up the generator. No lie. And this generator powers their internet substation or whatever it’s called that lets them do computer stuff from home and run approximately 37 laptops and other computer stuff, except all that internet stuff had to be turned off to make the TV run. Also the lights. It was lights or Obama and we all voted Obama. So there we all were with our one beer apiece watching the votes roll in when the real electricity came on and we switched over from the generator except hello, that made Tivo REALLY mad and Tivo wouldn’t work and there was no TV but it looks like Obama won anyway? Even though we weren’t watching? And I got to see the acceptance thing, or hear it anyway, on YouTube and I woke up the next morning and THE SUN WAS SHINING IT’S A SIGN.

And we also stayed with Matthew’s mom in Oregon. I can’t comment on that except to say WE ARE LEAVING TOMORROW HALLELUJAH. And then we go to Portland because I like Portland and I suspect we may live there someday at least in a parallel life or something and wouldn’t it be nice to pick out our house now?

And then it’s across the border again and yes, we are declaring our alcohol, and home again. At which time I can catch up with all the things I could not do when we were away.