• Love

    Love Me Tender, Love Me Lost

    Yesterday at the gym while I harnessed my ankle to a pulley system in order to torture my hamstrings and glutes, my attention wandered, as it often does, to the other people working out near me.  I saw a couple who appeared to be working out together, and I watched them take turns using a machine designed for upright rows. At one point, while the woman sat tall and engaged her rhomboids while pulling the handles back, the man tenderly caressed the top of her head.  Instantly my thoughts propelled me back to all the myriad times when my beloved tenderly caressed my poor brain tumor’d head. I nearly broke…

  • Love

    Sometimes I Say The Stupidest Things

    You know the thing where something just tumbles out of your mouth because you think you are safe, but the reaction from the person you said it to tells you that not only are you not safe but that the thing you said was probably the worst possible thing you could ever say? That. That is what happened to me literally just now, and it happens often, too often, so often that now I have to examine why. Why does this happen. Tell me. Not going to tell me? Fine, I will tell you. Number One. I Don’t Think Before I Talk. Oh yes. This is so me. I think…

  • Love,  Magical

    Kahuna + Akua = a Grand Love Story

    About a year ago, my soulmate and I made special love names for each other. We actually did research on this. We looked at sites filled with love nicknames. We looked at sites filled with names from other countries and other traditions. Finally we found the right names. Akua = spirit, goddess. Kahuna = wise man or shaman. I think we are still claiming the full power of our names. But I look at my soulmate and I see Kahuna, even if he does not see it fully himself. This is what happened. I got cancer. I thought it healed. It didn’t and came back. Far, far worse. Terminal. And…

  • Love,  Magical

    Mrs. Splashy

    Yes, I am 5 years old. Apparently I sometimes like to be exuberant with water. I notice this most when doing the dishes (he is The Chef and I am The Dishwasher, an arrangement that pleases me greatly) and I come away from the sink with the front of my shirt all wet. I didn’t used to be that way. Once I lived with a man who was horribly splashy. In hotels, I’d dive into the bathroom first and shower, neatly toweling off before stepping on the bathmat, so I could avoid the Tsunami Aftermath of that man’s showers. I hate stepping on wet floors in socks. Another man was…

  • Love

    Sailing

    I am sad and angry and scared. There is this situation. It is pretty dire, the down-to-the-wire kind of thing that has major consequences unless some big changes are made and made fast. I wish I could say more but I’m not willing to. (hint: it’s financial) The problem is my soulmate. He is not the problem. The problem is me. I am not the problem. The problem is that putting attention on fixing the dire situation has meant some radical shifts between us. It’s those shifts that have me feeling so sad and angry and scared. What do you do when the person you love most in the world…

  • Love

    Exponential

    It was about a year ago that the S-word was first used. Back then, it was under influence of a glass of red wine, or two glasses. I knew what was going on and let it unfold. Give it space. Let it breathe. If you are lucky, it will blossom. He needed time to feel that this amazing thing between us is real, that he didn’t just dream up the woman who loves him, and that he and I will be together in years to come, and more years, and more. It’s hard to remember exactly how it felt a year ago, light-years now, because now is now. Today we sat…

  • Love

    Crystal Ball

    The things I saw and heard in my head just about 18 months ago have all come true except one. That last foretold possibility may take years and years to see fully through. I am okay with that. Last night there was an eclipse. It was cloudy and we couldn’t see anything, but the quality of the light changed. Later, Soulmate and I sat on his bed, wine glasses nearly empty, a DVD paused in mid-flight, and we talked about the eclipse. I remember the last time this happened, I said. 1994. I was in Pittsburgh. I was driving to my office and hurried when the light in the sky…

  • Love,  Magical

    He

    He is a good, loving man. I have lived a long time in search of him, of the man who melts me, of the man who loves me like no other, of the man who is himself such a magical being that I weep from the beauty of his magic and from how magical I feel when I am with him. I have lived and I have loved and none of the life or love was like this. Destiny. This man, the one I see my sunset with, the one I see in my dreams, the one I felt and knew and received months before we were ever even in…

  • Love,  Magical

    One

    One year ago today, my life changed. It happened in the evening. I was in Houston where a client had flown me to work with her and her clients for a week, Houston where it was still summer and still humid. I was in Houston still processing the recent formality to the inevitable slow painful unraveling of the previous three-plus years spent with a boy-man that morphed into ten teary shower minutes feeling what it might be like to be me if I had always felt loved. I was in Houston feeling my Self for perhaps the first time, my Self tall and pale among the Chinese community I stayed…